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Joke of the Day

"Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? - me introducing my kids to strangers."

"You know you're awesome when Facebook suggests people you have already had sex with."

"[on a date] I've got butterflies in my stomach ""that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous"" [flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok"

"Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads...Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators."

"What do Australians call the state in which Sydney is located? (nsfw) New South Fucking Wales"

"What comes between fear and sex? funf"

"I like my women how I like my jokes funny :)"

"Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity"

"Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death."

"What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains! ... I'll show myself out..."