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Joke of the Day

"[on a date] I've got butterflies in my stomach ""that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous"" [flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok"

"Why did all the sea monsters refer to the kraken as a whore when he died? Because he died choking on a bunch of seamen."

"Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception was beautiful."

"HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid? Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid. HR... Me: There's no past tense with that one."

"How's the oil industry doing these days? It's in the tank."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side (as in, heaven). Congrats you've just learned why that joke is that joke. Have a good day, faggot."

"How to kill your wife without consequences. Hah. Made you look."

"What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim."

"Girlfriends are expensive but so is my drug habit."

"What's the difference between Chuck Schumer and Tom Brady Tom Brady is a Patriot and a winner. (Thank you Dennis Miller)"