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Joke of the Day

"Mumbling along to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming up and you're gonna own that shit."

"Why did the Mexican fail English class? Because he refused to turn in his essays"

"Did you know that Stevie Wonder has seven kids? He never sees them though."

"I'm pretty sure my parents are getting me a sweater for Christmas, but I really would have preferred a moaner or screamer."

"I farted on the bus today and four people turned around. I actually felt like I was on the voice."

"I've heard that imperial system has a lot of advantages. As a European, I only see fl oz."

"To my calendar: Your days are numbered."

"Why do you go to bed? Because the bed will not come to you."

"If I can't buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop."

"I am a 60 year old stuck in an 8 year old body . I want to break free . I should've used more lube."