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Joke of the Day

"I hate when the urinal auto-flushes while I'm still using it. Did I just cease to exist? Am I back now? If not, where am I peeing?"

"Girls who use tanning beds either have no concept of what they actually look like or have advanced fantasies about being a waffle."

"I was walking down the street with my wife.. And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked ""Aren't you going to help?"" I said ""No, six should be enough."" From Les Dawson."

"ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no"

"Did you hear that? What? DID YOU HEAR THAT? NOT ""WHAT?""..WHAT!? What? *axe murderer kills both*"

"There are only two types of people in this world... Those who can't extrapolate from incomplete data."

"Yo momma is like a brick! She's flat, heavy, and gets laid by Mexicans all day!"

"You hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months"

"You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer."

"What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor...? Make me one with everything."