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Joke of the Day

"Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie: ""Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days"" ""Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"""

"eyy gurl, r u part beaver??? cuz dam baby"

"White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump Nope. Sorry. Just kidding. Edit: buncha scrubs keep downvoting my hilarious joke."

"At some point during texting, a text is sent that means: ""This is the end of the conversation. I'm gonna do something interesting now."""

"My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike... My dad was holding me from behind..."

"[meeting the parents] Do you have one in blonde?"

"How do you order a glass of water in Russia? Ask for a virgin vodka."

"What did King Arthur have for breakfast? Eggcalibur."

"What's an Irish seven-course meal? A six-pack and a potato"

"Seeing as it's almost time for New Years Celebrations for myself Tonight I am an exorcist, as I shall be ridding the house of all Spirits."