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Joke of the Day

"That awkward moment when someone adds you on Facebook, but never says hi in real life."

"I've just bought a car that parks itself. Oh really? And where it is? I have no fucking idea."

"The difference between an epileptic oyster sucker and a hooker with diarrhea? one shucks between fits."

"i lost my weed in my room does anyone have a drug sniffer dog that can keep a secret"

"What's the difference between a golfer and a climber? A golfer goes whack......shit. A climber goes shit.......whack."

"I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep."

"I never point fingers at anyone. Though I do have a box of human fingers that I slingshot at people when I feel like blaming them for shit."

"Where can I get sweatpants that say ""ANXIETY"" on the ass?"

"The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song."

"It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book. A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It's a vast improvement."