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Joke of the Day

"*petting a dog* So how long have you been blind, officer? *gets arrested*"

"what vegetable really likes to party? turn-up"

"I told my mom about caching. She said it sounds expensive."

"I stopped by the house I spent my childhood in, and I politely asked the owners if I could look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes."

"oh hey mom. no i'm just Skyping with my girlfriend. what do you mean am i just playing a Vine of a girl saying i love you over and over"

"Why wasn't there a Captain America movie tie in videogame? Because every time one bug was fixed, 2 more appeared."

"God's son died single, but he'll help you find your match on Christian Mingle."

"Why was the broom late? It overswept!"

"If you suddenly realize it's 3pm and you've gotten nothing accomplished, it's OK to go back to bed."

"How do skeletons reproduce? They don't."