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Joke of the Day
"Two peanuts are hanging out with the wrong crowd... One was assaulted!"
Next Joke
"The man who invented auto-correct has died. May he restaurant in piece."
"It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is."
"This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics."
"Two girl twins are born. One is named Skye after her perfect blue eyes The other has cataracts, so was called Claudia"
"OPPOSITES IF PRO IS THE OPPOSITE OF CON. WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PRO-GRESS? CON-GRESS"
"Q: What color is a cheerleader? A: Yeller."
"Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact... .. we're carbon, dating."
"[Knock Knock] Halloween 1981, the Potter Household Voldemort: knock knock James: Who's there Voldemort: You know James: You know who? Voldemort: Correct James: ... James: Fuck"
"[marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions ""He hired a clown for my nana's funeral"" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN"