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Joke of the Day

"I'm taking my kid to an aquarium today. (I'm putting my kid in the closet with Sponge Bob videos)"

"We do apathetic derision better than any nation on earth. Probably. Can't be arsed to find out...and all statisticians are cunts."

"FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters. ""Here's change of 50 and that's 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap."""

"What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOWntain! Thank you."

"What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass."

"Have you ever eaten ethiopian food? No? Them neither"

"What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year? ram a man"

"[Day after Xmas] 7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me 9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast"

"Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc."

"If Batman left church early... Would it be a Christian Bale?"