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Joke of the Day

"Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors"

"""You're cute when you're mad."" ""Yeah well I'm about to get real fucking adorable."""

"Son, when you were born I promised you that I would make sure that you would be a household name. So you see, that's why I named you Kleenex."

"Why did Stephen get an A on his test? He held his teacher at gunpoint and forced her to give him a good grade despite the fact he got an F."

"1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know 2. Friend request them on FB 3. Tag them in 238 photos"

"There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife."

"I've had a bungee jumping incident But I'm sure I'll bounce back"

"Hitler was hunting in the forests of Germany, but he forbade the harming of male deer because... ...they were Reichstags."

"Superman: Kinda sucks you can't fly. Batman: It's okay. Superman: Why? Batman: My planet hasn't exploded, so I can still walk and drive."

"I just ended a long-term relationship today I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine"