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Joke of the Day

"Mumford and Sons next album is just going to be someone rubbing an antique burlap sack against a microphone for an hour."

"America is basically a free country... you'd just have to inherit 19 trillion dollars in debt"

"One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja."

"There's a lot of Arab new mothers lately This must be the new baby boom!"

"""I got you, babe."" - kidnappers"

"Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens."

"What do you get when you put the entire South Carolina cheerleading team in one room? A full set of teeth."

"1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice"

"I hope all goes well with Princess Kate's baby delivery.., ...but I think it might turn out to be a royal pain in the ass."

"Did you hear about that girl in the terrible car accident the other day? Her entire left side had to be amputated. She's all right now."