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Joke of the Day

"I used balloons to propose to a girl I met on the internet... I then saw her face for the first time and had to pop the question."

"Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful... ...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead. I beg to differ."

"This year's Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it's gonna end, but let's all pretend it's suspenseful."

"I guess anywhere they have that Zika virus... ...is a good place to go to get a little head."

"What do you say when Kanye West does something that annoys you? Kanye not."

"You what's great about dick jokes? They're just so easy to slip in there"

"Knock knock Heisenberg Knock knock Who's there I am the one who knocks I am the one who knocks who You know exactly who I am say my name Heisenberg You're goddamn right."

"Everyone talks about roses on a piano... I just want tulips on my organ."

"The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs! *puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water* *water turns into wine* Thank u Jesus"

"*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume* ""HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN"" *throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*"