100139

Joke of the Day

"Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil"

"Why are books the only thing advertised as ""Wherever books are sold."" You can't sell other stuff by saying ""Wherever you get this shit, IDK"""

"What do some people have against cheeseburgers? They say 'Burgers can't be cheesy!'"

"What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !"

"How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb? (fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job."

"If I say I love you, don't read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too."

"I ate a pizza. just kidding lol"

"*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*"

"Yeah, did you hear about the really chatty snake gynecologist? Well, he was good at his job, but I just couldn't stand how he kept sticking his head in my business."

"I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter."