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Joke of the Day

"What's Irish and stays out all year? Patty O'furniture."

"[in bed] ""No, I'm serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?"""

"Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?"

"How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a ""camera crew"" 4) Verify person's name 5) JK you've been served."

"[holds up bread] ""This is my body"" [holds up wine] ""this is my blood"" [holds up puppy] ""and this is my new pet"" [apostles go fricken nuts]"

"Ate raspberries for the first time in a while. I got retarted."

"If I had a dollar every time trump said something stupid, I'd have a small loan of a million dollars"

"What's the difference between US Politics and WWE? one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief the other is pro wrestling."

"Here's one myfriend's little sister told me. Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the ""p"" is silent."

"When my mom asked me to sponsor her Run for The Cure, I was surprised. I'd thought The Cure had done quite well for themselves."