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Joke of the Day

"Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you."

"[At Vision Center] Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here."

"""Hey, how was that sheep pussy?"" Not Baaaaaaaad"

"Dad can I? A young man went up to his father and asks ""Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"" His father says ""I don't know. Are you any good?"""

"Three guys walk in to a bar... The 4th one ducks"

"Talking about planets with my nephew. He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas"

"According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago."

"Why will Donald Trump never have an amputation? Because you can't stump the Trump."

"How to sports: - Take a ball - Put it someplace someone else doesn't want you to put it - Congratulations you've now sportsed"

"I can't get into Breaking Bad because I have trouble remembering all the little facts. For example: the name of Walter's boss at the car wash. I just need to stop getting Bogdan in the details."