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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants. One's a crusty bus station while the other's a busty crustacean."

"Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine."

"Don't be sad laundry.. No one is doing me either"

"I like how my autocorrect changes ""hun"" to ""Hun,"" like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads."

"My name is Seamus and I build that bridge you just drove over. It's the longest spanning bridge in Ireland. Do they call me Seamus the Famous Bridge Builder? No, they don't, but fuck one sheep..."

"Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I'd rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier."

"When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months."

"8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher? Me: Yes. 8yo: Where? Me:... 8yo: WHERE! 6yo: (from outside) It's spreading. Me: I'm up."

"...Maybe it should be called 'Dancing Without The Stars.'"

"What do you call an exceptional Mexican? Nacho average guy"