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Joke of the Day

"When I went to church today I farted So I sat in pew"

"I ate an optimist once, but I couldn't keep him down"

"I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's ""adorable,"" but if I do, I'm ""causing a disturbance"" and ""need to leave""? Whatever."

"Do you like yogurt? I bet I like it more than you. I'd put money on it. I'll come to your fucking house."

"I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife."

"Last night I played Cards Against Humanity for the first time... You know what gives me uncontrollable gas? Auschwitz"

"10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?"

"What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ? Your great-ant !"

"Always thought my Chinese neighbor was super religious... Turns out he was just playing all the time. Just came up with this. I'll show myself out."

"What do gay horses eat? Horse penis"