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Joke of the Day

"I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages... ...mangled and missing the most important parts."

"So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient."

"I've slowly replaced sex with food... and now I can't even get into my own pants."

"Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?"

"When someone spaces out their ""ha ha ha's"" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice"

"How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries."

"If you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live..."

"PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see ME: a rorschach test PSYCHATRIST: and this one? ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)"

"What do you do when you're racist and all the immigrants exhaust you? You kip."

"I used to be terrified of my dentist. He wasn't rough with my teeth or anything, he was just a paedophile."