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Joke of the Day
"Me: I wouldn't miss it for the world. Friend: It was yesterday."
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"How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Nein"
"A second child fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla enclosure. Luckily the kid escaped and the gorillas were unHarambed."
"Height of complement - Lol Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""
"What do you call a group of politically similar crows? A cawcus"
"On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted... ...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator)."
"[Walks into steam room at gym] ""good morning my.."" ""Dave no!"" ""my est.."" ""Please Dave no.."" ""..My eSTEAMed colleagues"" ""Everyone hates you"""
"I think unscented candles are bullshit... cuz every candle smells like something's burning. (Best read in a Hedberg voice.)"
"What's red and not there? No tomatoes."
"I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green."