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Joke of the Day

"My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane."

"I was trying to help my family overcome their drug habits... ...but it got too *meth*-y. Ill just let them *weed* themselves out."

"Your mother is like a repost. No one wants or likes her, but almost everyone uses her."

"Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant."

"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste."

"Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds."

"If I wrote an autobiography I bet it wouldn't sell Story of my life.."

"Pythagoras was a skeptic... ...but now he believes in angles"

"Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man. One said to the other ""You bite him ? I'm driving."""

"Why did Chris Christie cross the road? Because chicken is fucking delicious!"