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Joke of the Day

"Me: Guess what Her: What Me: The opposite of Aquaman Her: ... Me: Is Landlady Her: ... Me: ... Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow Me: Ok"

"Why don't women need watches? There's a clock on the stove."

"Sometimes I wish real world conversation had a 140 character limit."

"Q: What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? A: Straight talk."

"""Tell me why I shouldn't report you to HR?"" The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. ""I don't work here"" I yelled back."

"My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don't get hired either."

"I'm in a hotel room atm. It has about 1034 millibar and 1 minibar. Sorry."

"Hmm, should I try to rip open this box with my bare hands for 20 minutes, or grab scissors & do it in 4 seconds? *starts peeling at tape*"

"I walked in on my roommate jerking it He got mad and told me to put it away"

"What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!"