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Joke of the Day

"When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming at the oncoming truck like the rest of us in his car."

"Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there."

"I met my SO while working for a German newspaper It was love at first Zeit"

"Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League."

"What do you call a Jamaican who wears glasses? Rastafoureyes"

"I thought about going into investment banking Then I lost interest."

"I just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."

"It's so annoying when you've already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn't follow the script. Learn your script! "

"Moses opens his tablet. The notification says, ""You have 10 unread commandments'."

"Finding out a gay guy has a crush on you is like finding 1,000,000 pesos. You'll think ""Well, I can't do much with this right now, but if I ever cross that line I'll be just fine"""