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Joke of the Day

"[one month later] Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?"

"Somebody said you sound like an owl"

"What's big, green and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table"

"Where's the gratification in tearing down another human being? It's much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS."

"The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful."

"When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you."

"There are two kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information"

"If Reddit was a blanket, what type of blanket would it be? One with a high thread count."

"""Beep."" Zebra walking past a self service checkout."

"Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You'll know what I mean."