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Joke of the Day

"""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs."""

"What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him? He got him diss barred."

"I married a chinese millionaire Ka Ching"

"My Mum saw me naked this morning Guess now she knows what she's getting for Christmas."

"What does a dyslexic agnostic wonder about? Is there a dog?"

"If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem."

"President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom."

"i took a STD test today Turns out i pass with hepatitis A, i know what you're thinking and no i didn't cheat off the asian girl."

"Do you guys like corny jokes? Because I have some absolutely a-maize-ing ones!"

"TIL: that changing a light bulb is not as easy as it sounds. On my first day as a lighthouse keeper."