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Joke of the Day

"Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away."

"Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can."

"Made a hiking playlist earlier called trail mix It has a lot of eminem in it"

"Q: What happens when a frog parks illegally? A: It gets 'toad'."

"what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again? DJ Vu"

"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The respirator. (My dad told me this while he was cooking asparagus)"

"[arguing with my wife] WELL AT LEAST I DON'T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH"

"""COME ON! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE HOURS AGO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SHOWERED?"" Noah yelled, waiting for the sloths to get on the Ark"

"Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn't make you thin. Apparently."

"Going to a party tonight, but keeping it mellow. One or two glasses of cocaine and that's it."