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Joke of the Day

"My 4-year-old just asked if peanuts had peanut butter in them what kinda dumbass have I brought into this world."

"Two cannibals were eating a clown.... One turns to the other and asks, ""Hey, does this taste funny to you?"""

"Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love."

"I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else."

"(Spoilers) Ian McShane in GoT I guess that makes him Deadwood."

"How do you know if someone is a vegan? Because everyone around them will be giving them shit for it."

"I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off."

"The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: ""Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago."""

"I do have a swimmers body, he's been in my trunk for days"

"Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don't care if you have one."