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Joke of the Day

"They always tell me, ""Measure twice. Cut once""... ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by."

"Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light"

"How'd you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later."

"Have you ever been to an Istanbul nightclub? I hear they're poppin' and a good place to get wasted!"

"Howabout plastic, reusable tortilla chips where you could just suck the guacamole off them?"

"I'm thinking of going on a diet. I'm going to become an egalitarian: I only eat eagles."

"3 mods walk into a bar [deleted]"

"Granny always said, 'If in doubt, check it out.' My addition: 'If the answer gets your goat, punch 'em in the throat.'"

"A priest asked a convicted murderer at the electric chair: ""Do you have any last requests?"" ""Yes,"" replied the murderer ""will you please hold my hand?"""

"What do you call a Tolkien creature who studies insects? An *Ent*omologist"