930

Joke of the Day

"[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR"

"What is your mom's favorite animal? Macaque."

"Why do Jews have big noses? Because oxygen is free."

"Me: I'm so tired. Phone: Put me down and go to sleep. Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!"

"What did the poker dealer say to LMFAO? Everyday I'm shufflin'."

"What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !"

"I walked into an explosives shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my pin."

"[at restaurant] Me: ""I'm so hungry I could eat a horse"" Wife: ""I'm the same"" Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*"

"What did the cab driver say when the black man got into his cab? Where to sir?"

"that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse"