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Joke of the Day

"I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it."

"Weird how my first 11 coffees tasted like coffee but the 12th one tastes like I'm having a stroke."

"I'm currently trying to remove all Cancers. Then I'll move on to Virgos."

"""Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?"" - how waiters should greet people"

"My very attractive doctor told me I had to stop masturbating ""Why?"" I asked. ""Because I'm trying to examine you"""

"What weighs 12lbs and won't be getting plucked this Christmas Scott Weilands guitar"

"How did the bird get his bluetooth to work? He had to parrot."

"That deli has a reputation for sub-par hoagies, ...but the one I had was exactly average."

"[Dirty] You know what they say about farm girls and horses... They both fell in mud."

"Apparently, saying ""make it a double"" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy."