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Joke of the Day

"""Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?"" - how waiters should greet people"

"If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting"

"It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl's ""I haven't finished but I know you're about to, so I'll try to be supportive"" moan."

"Me: ""Get me a newspaper.""Friend: ""Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad."" Poor spider never knew what hit it."

"What's the difference between Det. Rust Cohle and a psychopath? Psychopaths are fun at parties."

"Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is."

"if the plan is ""eat pancakes now figure out life later"" then yes everything is going according to plan"

"What does the snowman call his wife? Snowblower"

"Had a very hot curry last night and now my asshole is on fire ... I'm suffering from deja vindaloo."

"A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying."