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Joke of the Day

"There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god"

"Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas"

"SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second"

"Well, I'm moving to Thailand. There's a small village there named Phucket that really speaks to me on a spiritual level."

"Why did Bruce Jenner go back to college? So he could spend a semester a broad."

"I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness."

"I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it's my neighbor's window and he looks angry."

"FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote 'do not bring pan flute' F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that"

"They say everyone is unique... Isn't that a bit of a generalization?"

"Potassium and Oxygen went on a date. It was OK."