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Joke of the Day

"My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai."

"[Chaperoning field trip] ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don't lose any kids. AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You're allowed to lose one kid."

"""Please stop being mean"" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle"

"""Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."" *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*"

"What is a sheep with no legs? A Cloud."

"How did Hitler check the price of his clothes? He looked at the Reichstag."

"U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?"

"i have learned nothing from everything and will continue to do so with zero responsibility and consequences"

"So I hear they're building a new Cloud City... In orLANDO Florida."

"I went to visit my Grandpa... My Grandpa said, ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support."