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Joke of the Day

"Damn girl, are you a Muse song? Because on the outside you're ablaze and alive, but you're dead inside."

"Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter"

"My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... ""Here I go again on my own""."

"{Date} ME: I have to warn you, I'm the jealous type WAITER: What would you folks like? HER: I'll have the s- ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?"

"Q: What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? A: I didn't do it on porpoise."

"I'm such a hipster... I'm such a hipster that I won't listen to the Beatles until they're all dead. That way I can say I was a fan when they were underground."

"Instead of presents, give your kids ""presence."" Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever."

"What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game? I'll keep an eye out for you!"

"There are three things a bride thinks of on her wedding day As she arrives and sees her husband to be.... Aisle Alter Him"

"i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A"