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Joke of the Day

"Instead of presents, give your kids ""presence."" Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever."

"London held a monocle convention for high class members of society... ... it was a respectable spectacle spectacle."

"Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?"

"I like making silly faces in group photos because it's better to look ugly on purpose"

"What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole??? A 30 foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone!"

"I wouldn't say I'm emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth."

"{Date} ME: I have to warn you, I'm the jealous type WAITER: What would you folks like? HER: I'll have the s- ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?"

"What's the most common way to trigger a feminist? Right away."

"Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like ""we clean our bathrooms now."""

"I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend ""That's us in 10 years"". She said ""That's a mirror""."