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Joke of the Day

"*Shoves a guy* I think you mean the SECOND biggest ""The Sound of Music"" fan on earth, bro."

"If you don't want to be there today, just say ""I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"""

"Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom."

"How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch."

"I really need to watch my language... You know what they say, swearing is the grammatical crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."

"Have you heard there's a new disease you can get from using Linux? It's Terminal. (OC joke.)"

"An Australian asked me, ""Have you come to die?"" ""No, I came yesterday."", I replied."

"Me: *tied up* Guy: *hits my kneecap* M: I'm not a rat! G: Bring in her sworn enemy! G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me* M: Oh god no! I'll talk!"

"Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The two in the front seat escaped unharmed but the two in the back bed drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!"

"Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging."