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Joke of the Day

"The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush... ... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist."

"Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder"

"I bet when Johnny Depp dies his only regret will be he didn't do enough Tim Burton films."

"Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain."

"What does FEMINISM stands for? **F**ighting **E**quality and **M**en to **I**nstitutionalize **N**arcissism and **I**gnorance and **S**top **M**eritocracy"

"I called work and told them I have Anal Glaucoma... Just couldn't see my ass coming in today."

"Pro Tip: On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called ""The Many Benefits of Kegels"". Is not a great idea. I know this now."

"Tell a girl shes pretty 100 times she wont believe you Tell a girl shes fat once and she'll remember it forever cause elephants never forget"

"Why doesn't Ted Cruz like doing laundry? Because he always fucks up the delegates."

"What sound does a pinewood derby car make when you rev it? Wooooooden Woooooooden Woooooden!"