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Joke of the Day

"I have just read an interesting dictionary. It had literally no metaphors. I'll ^show^myself^out..."

"I ran over a child who was on his way to band practice carrying his cymbals. I'll never forget that horrible sound as I rolled past his motionless corpse. Ba dum tiss"

"If I commit suicide, it'll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times."

"I'm not into anything ""weird"", but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF."

"I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say 'totes adorbz'"

"What do you call a threesome with two guys and a girl? ...a DVD."

"You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now."

"Is it still casual sex if you're wearing a tuxedo?"

"Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it's been twenty minutes since my last Tweet."

"Next time someone says ""Thanks!"" reply: ""You're welx!"". It's a cool new abbreviation I made up you can use. Make sure to attribute it to me."