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Joke of the Day

"How do you end beef with someone? With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces."

"How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label."

"I'd kill for Opie's pizza. Unfortunately, they never deliver. :("

"I was watching a porno I was watching a porn film earlier, was just a sad fat bloke masturbating and weeping.....then I realized I hadn't turned the tv on :("

"""Objection your honor, the defense is badg-"" BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can't talk. *Judge gives a respectful nod* ""Case dismissed."""

"What did the blind man say when he arrived at the fish market? ""Hello, ladies."""

"Why was the actor detained by airport security? He said he was in town to shoot a pilot."

"I went on a date with a girl in a wheelchair... I stood her up, and thats when she fell for me, now were on a roll, I just have to figure out how to ramp it up in the bedroom."

"I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye. Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side."

"ME: *taking their hand* It's okay. We all struggle with connecting. RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*"