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Joke of the Day

"What kind of coffee does a peg legged pirate drink? Decalfinated."

"I missed your birthday because I didn't log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal"

"Why did the tomcat get sent to prison? For looking at kitty porn."

"I'm excited to announce that I've officially stopped using drugs for fun and solely use them to deal with the unrelenting pain of existence!"

"Me: ""Can I leave work half an hour early?"" Boss: ""Only if you make up the time."" ""OK. It's 35 past 50."" Boss: ""Just go.."""

"What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? They both circle Ur-anus in search of cling- ons. Boom! Still got it."

"First Guy: ""How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition today?"" ... ... ..... Second Guy: ""I don't know, it was countless."""

"Why did the Dolphin commit suicide? Because it felt like its life had no porpoise."

"I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER"

"Jesus at the Last Supper. Jesus: *breaks bread* - This is my body! *holds a glass of wine* - This is my blood. *starts to open a jar of mayo* Judas: Sorry Jesus, I will have to stop you there."