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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly this dick in your mouth."

"[me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died"

"How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but it must be an odd number because, ""they can't even."""

"Sunny today but its not sunday (its Saturday). Really gets you thinking."

"Milky Way is Snicker's nut-less, gay little brother."

"mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language."

"What did the window say when it was cracked? Well this is a pane in my glass."

"What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors."

"No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they're gonna die and I can save them."

"It's not curiosity that killed the cat ... it was procatstination"