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Joke of the Day

"Confucius says... ""He who goes to bed with an itchy butt, wakes up with chicken fingers!"""

"Patient: Hey that tooth you pulled wasn't the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax I'm coming to it."

"My girlfriend woke up with a smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tips"

"Two Jews walk into a bar... And try to think of more ""fine"" ideas to fuck up the Internet."

"Assorted nuts... ...was the name of the insane asylum."

"What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it."

"My roommates are concerned that I'm using all their kitchen utensils.. but that's a whisk i'm willing to take."

"I got shoes from a drug dealer once... I don't know what it was laced with but I was tripping all day!!"

"Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house."

"""Okay, just gonna check Twitter ONE MORE TIME and then I'll get back to work."" - me, always"