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Joke of the Day

"My Netflix subscription feels like one of those abusive relationships people are afraid of leaving."

"Hm im scared of getting murdered. better go watch 20 tv shows about murder"

"Amazon review: Amazon river DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don't even have free shipping."

"#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?"

"The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Burglar ! Burglar who ? Burglars don't knock !"

"A Roman walks into a bar... A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.... ""You mean a martini?"" the bartender asks. The Roman replied, ""If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"""

"What do you call a joke with no punchline?"

"Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places; 1/Walk slow 2/Stop for no reason 3/Repeat above"

"My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag."