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Joke of the Day

"Girls: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Guys: I don't mind Girls: Like a huge mess Guys: ok Girls: Like dead bodies on fire Guys: ok"

"My cousin found his dad's Viagra, took a handful of the pills, and is now in the hospital... ...with third-degree burns on both of his hands."

"Energizer Bunny made a mess.... I put the batteries in backwards and it just kept cumming and cumming"

"Porn addiction is a serious thing I have first hand experience."

"""Metric system? You mean the easy measurement system based upon multiples of 10, that every other country uses? Na. We're good."" - America"

"I started chewing nicotine gum the other day. I don't smoke, but I gradually want to start. =)"

"Adrian Peterson just announced his retirement from the NFL and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter. (Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)"

"I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green."

"*Scrawls ""HELP ME, MY PARENTS ARE VEGANS!"" on gas station restroom mirror*"

"Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying ""Thank You"", she's all like ""How did you get into my house!"""