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Joke of the Day
"There are two things i hate a lot 1. Lists 2. Irony"
Next Joke
"Has a conversation in my head - Cackles with mirth"
"""As the crow flies"" means something entirely different when it's ""in your living room"" and you are ""hiding in the closet with your cat."""
"This guy on the subway has piercings on both sides of his neck. Mary Shelley would be so proud of her modern influence."
"I've heard making the perfect salad can be pretty difficult... Not exactly **rocket** science though, is it?"
"When someone tries to tell me they can't do something, I'm like ""you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"""
"What's the difference between sex and a slice of pizza? It takes me longer to eat the pizza"
"How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol? Invite two of them."
"She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home"
"Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh...."