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Joke of the Day

"My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?"

"Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom."

"A girl tells a guy that she can't get pregnant... ...turns out that he wasn't lying."

"I'm so good at making Chinese food, I can do it with my eyes closed."

"It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book. A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It's a vast improvement."

"Malaysia Airlines loses contact with another plane. At least they know where this one is."

"There was a new machine at the gym today. I had to stop using it after an hour as i felt sick, but it was worth it got through 4 kit kats 2 cherry cokes and 2 packets of crisps."

"So a chicken crosses the road and goes into a bar... ...to help his friends change a lightbulb"

"When I was a kid, we had our own personal chef Chef Boyardee"

"Lawyer: The defense rests Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal? Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like ""you're a butthole"" Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle"