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Joke of the Day

"Next year for Halloween I think I will be a dead chrysanthemum.... Then when people ask ""WTF are you"", I will reply and say ""I am a chrysanthemummy!"""

"[Job interview] ""What would you say is your greatest strength?"" ""Sticking my fingers in people's mouths."" ""Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired"""

"Where did the dog find her husband? At the Groomers!"

"Sorry about all the typos lately, gays."

"I have a decaffeinated coffee table Looking at it, you wouldn't know it"

"I got a boner at a funeral today.... Mourning wood."

"I read an article about the dangers of drinking and it scared the crap out of me... ...so I decided to swear off reading."

"Murphy's wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on every day. By Friday he couldn't get his boots on."

"""Walk it off"" does not apply to everything. Stupidity, for example. You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic"

"Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom."