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Joke of the Day

"[checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY"

"The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers."

"It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage."

"Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilet stalls big enough to run around in."

"Who do zombie cowboys fight? Deadskins."

"Did you hear about the hooker that went to the bank for a loan? She just needed something to get her by until she could get back on her back"

"What does a Math Professor do when he's constipated? He works it out with a pencil."

"A baby horse is found injured. The cause of the injury is unknown, but foal play is suspected."

"What is it called when Batman leaves church? Christian Bale... "

"I like how all these people are acting like they've never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before."