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Joke of the Day

"I can't tell if I'm an alcoholic or a necrophiliac... ... I just love to crack open a cold one every once in a while."

"My girl told me to stop singing 'Wonderwall.' I said maybe"

"I just invented a new word: [plagiarism](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/277604/i_just_invented_a_new_word/)"

"I've never gotten in a car accident whenever I'm drunk or high. So, statistically, based on the data, I am a worse driver when I'm sober. Now where's my whiskey?"

"Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get his tiny little legs open?"

"I saw a Mexican fighting Jared Fogel I finally saw Alien vs Predator"

"What's easier to load into a garbage truck? Bowling balls or babies? Babies, because you can use a pitchfork."

"Saw two construction workers laughing today... I know what they were really building: Friendship"

"[gameshow] me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] ""17"" host: [looks at me weird] ""that's wrong"" other contestant: ""salmon?"" host: ""correct"""

"Hey Nikon, just a friendly heads-up here... NOBODY gives one single fuck what camera Ashton Kutcher uses."