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Joke of the Day

"""What kind of dog is this?"" ""Well actu.."" ""Hes cute"" *pets it* ""Sir thats my.."" *picks it up* ""Your a good dog arent you?"" ""PUT MY SON DOWN"""

"I'm having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it's mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine for dinner."

"[GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!"

"The 11th commandment was, ""Talk shit, get hit"" but God totally didn't have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah."

"Bath time without my phone: 10 minutes Bath time with my phone: 45 minutes 75 retweets 1 wrinkly baby"

"What's the difference between a microwave and anal? A microwave doesn't brown your meat. Courtesy of Chuck Palahnuik at his reading for 'Beautiful You' in Phoenix last night."

"What's Hodor's favorite cereal? Raisin Bran"

"I met a girl with 12 nipples Sounds funny, dozen tit?"

"Mom is feeding her baby a bottle of blood. Dad walks in and goes ""Why are you feeding our baby a bottle of blood?!"" Mom says ""Cause we're poor."""

"My nickname at work is ""HR wants to see you"""