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Joke of the Day

"Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, ""Hey, I found you on Twitter"" and other things that will suddenly stop your heart."

"Sleep tight! Your brain is a billion times more complex than your laptop. And laptops break all the time."

"Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares."

"There's a fat man in a schoolyard. A mother approaches him and asks: ""Are you waiting for a child?"" So he replies: ""No, I'm just fat"""

"One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you."

"[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* ""STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"""

"I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am"

"Zoo A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu."

"How does an Eskimo build his house? Igloos it together."

"No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out. protect your credit card guys :)"